Blog entry #16 By Jo Rodriguez
Accepting that I am a survivor of domestic violence was a huge step. Accepting everything that comes with it is an even bigger step. Embracing that I will always have a voice to speak against it in the past, present, and long after I am gone is truly empowering.
Part of the process for me is knowing that my abuser is locked away doing time for what he did to me and while he is in prison, knowing that he can not hurt or do physical harm to anyone else. In my book, I do not hold back in saying what he is….He is a monster and always will be. Like many abusers, the abuse did not only happen once or the time they were publicly caught. There was a long pattern, each time emboldening him to feel untouchable, powerful, and invincible.
I was the one person that saw him in his true form, felt the harm he was capable of, and the survivor and the keeper of all his dirty little secrets. To me, it should never have been anyone, not me, not someone else, no one. In 2017, my abuser came up for parole consideration for the first time. I was nearly frozen in fear, just thinking about the fact that he could have the opportunity to walk amongst us again. The opportunity for him to finish what he started and take my life haunted me in my dreams since the day he took it too far in February of 2004.
Anyone that knows the details and facts, has an understanding of what can push a person to have such fear of what another human being can be capable of. It took everything that I had and it tested my own will and strength to proceed with a formal protest. I could not eat, or sleep and my nerves and anxiety were off the charts. I could not allow my fear to prevent me from having my voice in this pivotal moment that I knew I would forever regret if I gave in to the fear. I could not even speak of it to my friends, and only confided in my husband. He told me that he would support me no matter what and that he wouldn’t judge me if I walked away from it.
I had prepared my formal statement to present to the parole board panel in person. I took time off from work and spoke not a word to anyone just to be able to hold myself together. I was in contact with the District Attorneys office and would have an advocate joining me for support during this process. I am grateful for this service because it is such a difficult moment and having family there was just too much for me to bear. I didn’t want anyone to see me in the state I was in.
On the morning of the protest, I asked God to please give me the strength to get through every second of that day. My face was already swollen from the tears that would not stop as the clock moved closer to the moment at hand. I was scared and terrified just knowing I was going to have to talk about memories and feelings that I worked so hard to try and forget. I arrived at the office and waited for the panel representative to join me in the room. I put it all out there so that he and everyone else on the panel could hear it from me that I was still alive and had a voice to speak out and against what that monster and coward did to me. I had to convey that he was the worst kind of offender because he could be so deceiving with a smile on his face and no regard to human life, the mother of his children, or anyone else for that matter, only himself.
Doing a protest takes a lot out of you, but it was a step in my healing that needed to happen. I did it for me and for other women because the day will come when he is free again and I don’t want someone else to be his next victim. He does not deserve to be released sooner than his full sentence. He will always be a threat to society in my eyes and I’m sorry to those that feel different, but pray that they never see what I saw or experience what I experienced.
The protest was not in vain, he was denied parole in 2017 for reason 2D. I included a snipit of what is under his profile on the TDOCJ. It is not happiness that I felt, it was a relief. Only a temporary one. I just received notification that he is up for another review now that it is 2020. I am not the same person I was in 2017 and have attended other survivor’s protests to be their support in that challenging moment in their lives and to help them take another step to heal. I will protest my abuser’s parole consideration again and every year that presents itself in the future. I will not cower in fear, not now, not ever again. I will always have a voice and everyone will know that I am no longer on the floor, but have risen up tall and hold my head high and there is no doubt when I stand up, that I stand up for not only myself but for all survivors.
