Blog entry #2 By Jo Rodriguez
One of the most dangerous times for someone who is in an abusive relationship is when they choose to leave. I can’t stress this enough. Looking back on my experience, I wished I had known more about safety planning and not tried to go at it alone. Of course, how was I to know that my situation would continue to escalate and what he was truly capable of??…he was my husband and the father of my children and I had not yet separated that aspect of it yet in my mind. I had already tried to leave him once before back in November of 2000 when I left for about a week and after much discussion, I decided to go back. There had not been any antics or threats from him during that reconciliation timeframe. What I learned is that you don’t really know a person as much as you think you do. In December of 2003, it took an enormous amount of courage on my part to finally vocalize to him that I wanted a divorce and that I didn’t love him anymore, I had had enough suffering and betrayal…. and when I did, I had a surge of confidence in myself and started to recognize my self-worth. At the same moment, he was coming to terms with the realization that he was no longer in control of me and that’s when things began to unravel and his desperate antics to keep me started.
Just to give you an idea of the types of behaviors that took place from December 27th, 2003 thru January 27, 2004, which was the time frame of the days from telling him I wanted a divorce and leading up to me physically leave him and our home…..
- Begging me not to leave him
- Telling me if I stayed that he would move upstairs
- Yelling at me as he slammed me up against the restroom wall
- Calling me every awful name in the book
- Standing within inches of my face telling me that I was worthless, pathetic and that no other man would ever want me
- Trying to sob and seem distraught to gain my pity
- Constantly telling me he needed to have sex with me
- Telling me he was going to kill himself if I left him
- Constantly reminding me that he owned me and that I was his property
- Forcefully having sex with me, even though I would tell him no
- Took me to the San Juan church to get me to change my mind by trying to use my faith against me
- Went and met with our old neighbor that he had had an affair with and tried to convince her to come to talk to me and deny the affair and tell me to stay with him
- Took me to my aunt and uncles house for an intervention
- Took me to see a priest at our local church
- Had his sisters show up at the house for an intervention
- Obtaining my work timesheets to make sure I was at work
- Brought home porn videos that he borrowed from a friend and sat me down in front of the TV in a chair and forced me to watch while he sat inches away from me and stared at my face
- Waiting outside our place of employment in the parking lot with his co-worker helping him scout for me to arrive at work and not allowing me out of my vehicle until he forcefully shoved his fingers down my pants and into my vagina so that he could smell me and make sure I had not been with someone else and only after he was content did he allow me to get out of my car
- Acquired a gun from a neighbor, unbeknownst to me at the time because we had never owned a gun, and put it to my head and then to his in front of our one-year-old daughter and threatening to kill himself
All of the things I listed above were red flags and no one should have to endure this in order to want a better life. If you can relate to anyone of them, then I highly encourage you to look into getting a good safety plan together. The mistake I made was underestimating him, and thinking that we could stay under the same roof amicably until we figured out things financially and getting into my own place.
There are so many resources available these days for assistance. Get in touch with your local Battered women’s shelter, foundations that help you get out of your situation safely, agencies local and national that can help. All of these resources can help you with all of your needs.
Here is a link to an article that I felt was worth sharing. http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/barriers-to-leaving-an-abusive-relationship/
