Blog entry #4 By Jo Rodriguez
In my past’s darkest moments and life struggles, I often found myself wondering if this was the best life had to offer. I was the second of four children, a good kid, quiet, composed, and independent. I was a good student, made good grades, and never got myself into any trouble. I started working and became financially independent at the age of 16, worked hard, was committed, was reliable, held down every job I was hired to do. I went to church and practiced my faith. I married at the age of 26 and didn’t start having children until after that.
In my mind, I started to question what I did wrong and to deserve to be mistreated by the man I chose to love. I was at his beck and call, home-cooked meals, cleaned, took care of our home, took care of our kids, contributed financially, and bent over backward to please him. I was the first one up and the last one to go to bed and functioned on 3-4 hours of sleep most days in order to please him.
I always saw myself as average in my looks, never really thought about it all that much back then. We didn’t have social media to share pictures with others and no one really knew what a selfie was back then. So, unless someone told you that you were good looking to your face or wrote you a letter, it was pretty much up to you to figure that out. I always thought that what made a person beautiful, should be judged by who they are inside and not only the outside.
The way he treated me, along with his expert craft in using his words to degrade me as a woman, and most importantly, his inability to be faithful to me, had me convinced that I somehow deserved to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel that I was ugly. If I took care of myself in a different way, he would accuse me of having an affair, so I tried to keep myself low-key. I remember not having any privacy, even in my own restroom with the door locked. He would slide a mirror under the door and watch me to see what I was doing.
So, I spent so many years wondering what I did wrong, believing him, and blaming myself…tormenting myself. Even in my healing years, my self-esteem really sucked, and I admit to you now, that it is something that I work on continually to this day. His words have haunted me as I tried to find my way again. I found my self doing a lot of self-reflection. I was brought up in a time where all I knew was that I was going to grow up and find prince charming, get married, have kids, live happily ever after, and that’s where my mindset had been and I didn’t know any better…..And then I woke up.
I know it wasn’t a eureka moment, it was a slow process coming to my new realization. I realized that I allowed him to have real estate in my mind that he did not deserve. I see now more than ever that I was not to blame for his actions or his words, that completely falls on him. I will no longer carry any guilt that is not mine, but his to own. You see, I did everything I could have done and then some. I was and am not a failure. Just typing these words brings tears to my eyes because I have earned being able to say those things to myself because I am deserving of being loved.
I often come across quotes that move me and I jot them down on post-its and put them in my journals. In thinking about this post, I remembered one that I had stashed away about a year ago. After fumbling through my stuff, I found it. I’ll share it here below.
“Your crown has been bought and paid for. Put it on your head and wear it.”– Dr. Maya Angelou
I love that quote and it has so much meaning to me. I truly believe that as women we are blessed by God and given many crowns to wear throughout our lifetimes. Even at times, forgetting that we have them and are worthy of them. I see now, that no one, not even my ex, could take that from me. Now that I have dusted off and straightened my crown, my journey continues to make a difference in this world.
The Crown I Choose to Wear
It is brilliant, this crown of mine
It glistens special just for me
It bears three special jewels and I will love them eternally
It is brilliant this crown of mine
I embrace it for all it can be
I will hold it high and let it shine
Because no one, no one, can ever take it away from me
May the light that it projects
Help guide and protect
Those that might lose their way just like me
It is brilliant, this crown of mine
by-Jo Rodriguez
