Blog entry #7 By Jo Rodriguez
From the moment I realized I wanted a better life for myself and my kids, I knew it would not be an easy task to become a single parent. Even speaking of divorce was taboo and looked down upon in my culture and would bring shame to my family. Even so, my mind told me that my safety and the well being of my children outweighed the scrutiny that I would face by making this choice to leave. I was at a point where I was willing to take on whatever came with it. Of course, my trusting and naive heart didn’t think it could possibly get any worse than what I was trying to get away from. I was wrong and I live with that every day of my life.
Time moves differently after a traumatic event. For me, I believe that it is almost like being in an altered state of mind. I felt a loss of awareness and disconnected as all eyes suddenly were on me. I tried desperately to hold myself together and keep myself composed. What happened to me did not relieve me of the obligation of being a mother and provider for my children. My family initially did all they could to support me as I went through all the motions. It was sort of like driving to your destination and getting there, but not remembering exactly how you arrived. They were angry and wanted justice for me, even though they didn’t understand this new reality that they and I were now faced with. It seems selfish to say, but my focus and energy all went into living and getting through every second, minute, hour, etc. and not so much on how they felt. Don’t get me wrong, I was aware, but just trying to keep my own sanity became my heavy task. I know that this is a part of the aftermath that most survivors don’t like to talk about, but it happens. My fight or flight response was triggered and I remained in self preservation mode for a while.
The first year after my assault is fragmented in my memories. Counseling, court dates, for myself and my children was now a fulltime part of our lives. In addition, I had returned to work and also started a second job to support my kids and try to build a new life somehow. Letting them down was not an option. They were innocent in all of this and did not ask for the choices or consequences that their parents made. The second-year was just as trying as I became more acquainted with my new self. The person I became was alien to me. It was hard to look in the mirror. I suffered from sleep deprivation, anxiety, panic attacks, cluster migraines, depression, and constant fear to just name a few. Above all, I did the best that I could to be the best version of myself during this time in my life.
I survived what most women don’t. The label victim is uneasy to carry and comes with a heavy burden as you learn to heal, accept, and rise above it. It was never my dream or desire to become or find myself with this label. Regardless, I have a memory that has stuck out in my mind, Maybe many can benefit from me sharing. However, as I shared above, I was a pretty big mess for a while. I’m sure I was challenging to be around at times. None of this is intended to take away from or minimize the impact of how my family was affected. I had a younger sibling with no children of their own, that became frustrated and decided to vent on me one day.
The words that were spoken to me were that’ I just needed to stop already, stop playing the victim……just stop being a victim and just get over it.‘
Let me make clear, the intention was not you can rise above it kind of motivating words The message was clear that I was a burden and why couldn’t I just be like everyone else and just be normal again. For me, it was painful to be spoken to in this way by someone that I loved. If only there was a magic wand to heal me and others from trauma and just make us normal again. Believe me, no victim or survivor wants nothing more than to feel and be normal again. It would be like telling someone with cancer to just get over it and to stop it already……you wouldn’t would you? So, after all of these years, those words still bother me and I hope that it brings awareness to those that have loved ones, friends, or colleagues that may be doing the best that they can if they have been affected by something traumatic. There is no magic timeline for healing, unfortunately….the healing process is unique for everyone. Choose constructive ways to share your feelings and don’t leave a bad memory….. with salted words.
