Blog entry #11 By Jo Rodriguez
For those of you that have read my book, you know how deeply personal this subject is for me. In hindsight, all the signs were there and I missed them…I MISSED THEM…I missed them. Those words would and will haunt my heart forever. My heart was torn into a million pieces when I found out it was happening and that it was someone that I had loved and trusted. My world, now just having made progress in my own healing of my own assault, came crashing down all around me. My PTSD was triggered and I fought with everything I had to not lose my mind in those initial moments. The inner turmoil was so unbearable.
After the initial shock and telling myself that this was not a “me” moment, I had to be strong for my children and be able to help them get through this. I can tell you that nothing prepares you for moments like these and I pray that those of you reading this have never and will never come to know this pain… it is unimaginable. Thoughts of disbelief and rationalizing what your ears are hearing from the mouth of a small child that should never speak of such things, put me to a true test in every way as a mother and a human being.
It was hard enough for me as an adult to comprehend my own trauma and not wanting to be in my own skin and to know that my child, my little girl, was enduring and struggling to process it as well created a rage in my heart and a feeling of failure as a mother. My tears were endless and my chest ached with a pain like no other. This was MY child!! My job was to protect my daughter from strangers and pedophiles…I had let my guard down once again with a false sense of safety, and it had been right in front of me the ENTIRE time!!!
I wish I could tell you that I handled this gracefully, but that would be a lie. I put on the bravest face that I could for my children so that they would see strength, but in truth, I was utterly broken. The memories of those first hours will forever be seared in my mind. I chose to believe my child and do what most parents would do. What kind of parent would I be if I didn’t believe her? I never hesitated for one instant because what she spoke of was proof enough. The last few words that my daughter told me and my husband before I reported it to the authorities was, “Please make it stop”.
I made her a promise, that I have kept until this day. That monster would NEVER physically touch her again. Yes, this person is a monster, for taking her innocence, for taking the sparkle in her eye that was so infectious, for making her feel unsafe, for not respecting her saying “no” and “stop”, for betraying her trust, for never taking accountability for their actions.
My daughter will never know what it’s like to not have the support of her mother. She will always know that I was there for her when others gave her their backs. She will always know that I believed her. She will always be BRAVE in my eyes. She is the reason that I have become an ambassador against child sexual abuse. I choose to speak for those that can not. I share this with all of you to encourage you to know the signs and never let your guards down. When a child outcries, be there, believe them, always protect them.
This post as hard as it was to do, is dedicated to my daughter, the bravest girl I know, I will always love you,,,, this will always be your hashtag……………………. # fortheloveofhope
Below is the impact statement that I had prepared in her case.
