Blog entry #3 By Jo Rodriguez
As most of you already know, my first marriage was not a healthy one in many ways, but the verbal and emotional abuse took a toll on my self-esteem and the way I saw myself in the mirror. I didn’t see it for what it was as much then as I do now. All I can tell you is that a person’s words can be very powerful and can have lifelong effects, so be careful what you say to people and how you say it, especially people you care about. There is a difference between fighting moments and everyday life moments, but neither should be a platform for breaking someone down.
My abuser kept me in check, as these younger generations say. He would grovel in his desire to be in control of me in every aspect of my life…how I looked, felt, thought, where I went, who my friends were, kept tabs on my cell phone use, kept tabs on my car mileage, and did daily inspections of my underclothes to mention a few. He was meticulous in nature and always knew how to bring me down and tear me apart by saying hurtful things. In his eyes, I was weak if I cried and he would tell me I was pathetic to show emotion. He would call me names like “slut” and “whore” if I wore any shade of blue eyeshadow or any kind of lip gloss. ‘Why do you want to look like a slut? For other men, right?’. His accusations all ended with that I wanted to be with other men. He would project his own guilt onto me because he could never be, nor wanted to be faithful to me, and this I knew firsthand and then after the divorce, found out about other women I didn’t know about.
Where we worked, (yes, we worked together) didn’t really have a dress code for type of pants to be worn other than they had to cover your entire legs, so no capris, etc. Most people would wear blue jeans and so I would wear them as well. This became an issue and created one of the biggest personal conflicts that I carry to this day. He would tell me that I didn’t have the right body to wear blue jeans and that I should be embarrassed at the way I looked in them. He would point out how ugly my butt would look and saying how men would be only looking at my crotch, so I wasn’t the right kind of woman to wear pants like that. As a woman, already filled with typical body issues, and this almost a daily subject, made me feel even more self-conscious and uncomfortable in my clothes. I realize now in hindsight, that my ex-mother-in-law must have known about my dilemma even though we never spoke of it, because she would always bring me or have clothes or shoes for me, that she would find at garage sales for me to wear and that he was ok with me wearing. I was always grateful to her for taking care of me in this way, but I see it more clearly now…. she was trying to protect me from his criticisms and putdowns.
He would tell me to not ever think about leaving him because no other man would want a woman like me and after hearing that over and over, I started to believe that. I remember a job opportunity came up that would mean a promotion for me if I had pursued it. When I spoke to him about it, he glared at me and said that I couldn’t apply for it because then I would be making more money than he was, and he wouldn’t stand for that. ‘Afterall, how would that look if people knew his wife was making more?’ he would say and’ how could I think of embarrassing him this way?’ So, I passed up that job promotion and regretted it for all the remaining years I was employed there because in the back of my mind, I knew it would have opened more doors for me in the future.
We had 3 beautiful children of our own together in the time that we were married, and I embraced that role. During that time, I was also a stepmother to 4 other beautiful children from his first marriage. I wanted what was best for my babies as they were born, and I chose to breastfeed all 3 of my children when they were infants. This decision that I made to do that, came with and escalation of torment. He became jealous of them and that he could not take pleasure with my body as he saw fit due to me nursing. He would tell me that I was an incomplete woman and less of a woman because I was restricting him from having his way with me sexually. He would tell me that I wanted to nurse only because it would make my breasts bigger and I liked the attention, so I would wrap my breasts to minimize how they looked.
So, I felt so suppressed, ugly, like a failure, and desperate. In my mind, I was stuck in a marriage with a man that did not respect, love, or honor me. I had tried to make it work for the sake of all 7 of the children, especially after the tragic death of his first wife and then I became a full-time stepmom. I didn’t want them to feel abandoned after such a tremendous loss. I tried to talk to my mother back then, and she basically told me that I had taken marriage vows, so suck it up….and I did……until I finally had had enough.
When you have been in a relationship like that, you see yourself as all the things they say you are. I never thought I would want to be in another committed relationship after everything he put me through. I didn’t want to feel that way ever again, it just was too painful. I know I hid it well, much because I was so broken down and isolated and even more so after the sexual assault. I asked myself, what man in his right mind would want to take someone like me on? I felt undeserving of love, tenderness, and affection.
Well, during my darkest moments following my separation, assault, divorce, and trying to rebuild my life, I had an audience at work watching it all play out…. which brought a whole new level of humiliation because some people could be cruel. There was this bet going on that all of this was my fault, and that I had brought the assault upon myself…….as if any woman could ever do something worthy of deserving to experience something so heinous. The whispers were that I must have been having an affair and I asked for it. Nothing could have been further from the truth because people don’t really know what happens in the privacy of your own home or when no one is watching or listening. I had my reasons, as I have shared only a snippet of it, and I shouldn’t have had to defend myself then, now, or ever. I had my circle of friends and co-workers that never left my side, helped me with damage control, and became my personal protectors, and for them I will always be grateful. My focus became to just get through every single second of every single day without losing my sanity and taking advantage of some serious counseling to reground myself after feeling freedom from such a dark relationship.
Little did I know at the time, one of my other co-workers was going through his own marital issues and divorce. He was one of the many guys that people whispered about. He found himself having to defend himself and me in the process, which he brought to my attention because he felt I should know. If I had found a hole to put my head into at that moment, I would have done so. I was mortified because I always prided myself that I conducted myself professionally at work. Like I said before, I was in no place or condition during that time to open myself up to anyone during that time frame. He and I maintained a professional working relationship as he and everyone else watched me put my life back together moment by moment. I was consumed with court dates, protective orders, meetings with attorneys, working 2 jobs, the trial, and trying to be a good mother.
The day did come once time had passed and my ex became incarcerated that this man, co-worker, protector, and now friend…began to grow on me. Changes in our work demands, led us to collaborate more and more, but we always kept a mutual level of respect for each other and distance, but still I could see the questions in his eyes and could feel like he was holding something back. He was very careful with his words and told me he was sorry that I had been through so much in my life and we began to share our stories. Over time, one thing leads to another, but nothing could have prepared him for the crap of aftermath I brought with me. You see, in my mind, I was all the things that no one would want. That is what I thought and was conditioned to believe. One thing that I learned about this man is that he was and is always up for a challenge. I was the biggest load of emotional damage he could have asked for. He was tender and patient with me because I was still having hypersensitivity due to the PTSD I developed after the assault. It took me months to allow or be ok with someone touching me in the slightest way. He would tell me all the good things he saw in me and I struggled with it more than I can admit. It made me uncomfortable to hear him say I was beautiful. I had adapted to wearing slacks most of the time, as he understood my insecurities. Eventually or relationship evolved as I continued to be a brick wall and at times emotionally out of control. I sought out more professional counseling in hopes to find a way to have a healthy relationship with him and he never gave up on me even when there were times, I gave up for the two of us. As every day and years have passed, he tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met. I did marry this brave man and he remains my protector and my biggest fan.
About a year ago, we came to a crossroads with work and the direction of our dreams that had yet to be fulfilled. After much discussion and consideration, we decided to take a leap of faith and follow our dreams. I had finally embraced trusting in someone else that reminded me daily that he had my back. He knew that I had a nagging desire to do something positive with all that I had been through with my ex, my daughters sexual abuse, and being disowned by my family for standing up for myself and my daughter. We had had many discussions throughout the years of me wanting to write a book or find some way of helping others like me. It seemed as if the timing was right for both of us and he said that he believed in me and that I was destined to do so much more in my life.
So, that brings me to present day and never in my wildest dreams could I have ever predicted that I would be sitting here sharing all of this with you with tears of fulfillment streaming down my cheeks and a peaceful mind and soul.
I have been working on so many things over this past year with him supporting my every decision and every move unconditionally and cheering me on. This was a drastic career move for me and a drastic change for me personally, because anyone that knows me…knows that I have always been very private about my personal life. I am almost done with my personal narrative book, I built and released my blog that I hope will help others that are in similar situations find peace in their lives, I’m collaborating with a local foundation that helps victims/survivors/ and abusers of sexual/domestic abuse/ and human trafficking get help………. and the real kicker for me is that I have signed a contract with a local Talent Agency that will take me in a direction I could have never imagined for myself. I don’t know exactly what the future holds for me, but I have accepted that I am worthy, whole, enough, deserving of love, tenderness, believing in myself, and above all else………. Finding Beautiful…. thanks to the man that never gave up on me and helped me find my self-love.
