Blog entry #8 By Jo Rodriguez
I can honestly tell you that I can not recall the ride to the hospital after my assault. I don’t remember getting to the hospital or even getting to the room where the SANE nurse was located. Nor do I recall what that room looked like. All I remember is that I could not stop shaking or crying and that every part of my entire body, inside and out, hurt.
The SANE nurse took care of me and proceeded to go through the process of taking me through the steps of performing the exam that is required by law. She asked me questions and asked me to recount the experience that I had just endured. She then began to do the physical exam on my body. By this point, my adrenaline had begun to slow and I could no longer ignore the trauma and pain that had been inflicted on my body. As the nurse carefully inspected and notated every cut, scratch, bruise, abrasion, swelling, and other injuries the fear, shame, humiliation, and reality of all of it hit me like a brick wall.
I had not noticed all of the injuries until she found them one by one. Seeing it with my own eyes still didn’t seem real to me. It was like looking at someone else, but deep down inside knowing it was me. Through swollen eyes and flowing tears, my hands shook uncontrollably as I struggled to somehow attempt to regain my composure. I continued to try to wrap my mind around how this happened. I was angry with myself for putting my guard down so carelessly. After everything that my estranged husband had put me through prior, never in a million years, did I think he could be so selfish and brutal to take it this far. It was the ultimate betrayal.
In between every thought flashed a memory of an image of his contorted face as I fought for my life and tried to protect my body. Each time, I kept telling myself that I survived. I was alive and survived what most women don’t. I had to believe that I was going to be ok I had to be ok for my children.
Even all these years later, I look at this diagram that captured me at that moment in time, sometimes, in disbelief. It exists as a reminder of how that day changed who I was forever. A reminder and validation of why I left that relationship. Most importantly it is also a reminder that I was spared for a purpose. This diagram is a different kind of selfie. It speaks volumes but still doesn’t represent the magnitude of the trauma that I endured. So, I share this with you today to raise awareness of how quickly an abusive situation can take a life-altering turn. This is real and happening every day. Let this be a learning lesson. I hope that we can find a way to end domestic violence and that no other woman/man/ or child has to see themselves this way.
Jo, you are so courageous and are going to help so many women that are experiencing trauma in their lives. I know it’s taken you a long time to arrive at this point but there’s no stopping you now!!
Denise, Thank you for your encouraging words. It has been a long journey full of so many mixed emotions, but I have finally come to a point in my process of healing that I want to help as many people as I can. This dilemma affects so many more than just the victims and knowledge is power. The more people know and see the ripple effects, the more likely we can teach how to minimize victim shaming and in turn, promote healing for everyone involved.