Blog entry #10 By Jo Rodriguez
I had recently returned back from work after the assault and I could feel my heart start to race, my body started to tingle, tears were streaming down my cheeks, there was ringing in my ears, my breathing became erratic, and a sudden sense of wanting to just run outside and keep running in hopes to release something that was dying to get out from within my body. I really thought I was going to lose my mind and my fear of what was happening only aggravated it. What was happening to me? I had to leave my desk and go to my car hoping that no one noticed that I was freaking out. As I sat in my car, I started to scream and just fully have a meltdown cry and cried as hard as I could. I was full of anger and I hated my ex for doing this to me. I just screamed until I couldn’t anymore.
This would become a new reality for me, as I learned that I had suffered my first panic attack. I went to see my doctor and explained what I had been feeling and begged him to please help me. He explained that the traumatic event had depleted some of the hormones that normally help with coping. He prescribed me with some medication that would help me as my body worked to stabilize again. All I wanted was to feel normal again.
I was now living with PTSD, anxiety, and panic attacks. I felt so out of control in a time that I was trying to keep it together for my children, my family, and at work. The triggers were so random and I never knew when they were going to hit me. I would be at the grocery store with my kids and a basket full of groceries and boom, my grip would tighten on the shopping cart and the buzzing in my ears would start. I didn’t want my kids to see me like this and as soon as I could ground myself enough, I would let them know that mommy wasn’t feeling well and we needed to leave right now. I can’t tell you how many shopping carts were left in stores, but it was more than I would like to admit.
One of my scariest incidents happened on a trip to Austin. I had my children with me and we were heading back home to San Marcos after spending some time at a few stores. I had to pull over off the highway and into a parking lot. My oldest son asked me if I was ok, as I sat there with white knuckles holding the steering wheel. I told him that I just needed a moment. It was the most frustrating feeling because there were moments that I felt that I didn’t think I could get us home. I felt so damaged and just had to cry. I told my kids that mom just needed to cry for a bit, but I was going to be ok.
One day, my oldest son came home from being at church and gave me this little pocket rock that was shaped like an angel. It had a quote and it said: “I will always be with you”. He told me that this little rock would help me when I was feeling bad. Well, that little rock stayed with me always, either in my pocket or in my purse from that moment forward. It became my focus when I started to have anxiety or a panic attack. I would look at it or hold it and it would remind me that I was strong and I wasn’t alone.
I carried that little angel rock always with me since 2004. In 2018, after I almost lost my oldest son, I returned that little angel rock back to him one day that I visited with him in the hospital. I reminded him of when he gave it to me and how it had been a significant tool for me throughout the years. I told him that I may not always be able to be with him, but that little rock should be a reminder that I am always with him no matter what.
I had learned how to manage my symptoms better but understood that I will always have this with me and it is just a part of who I am. Since then, my daughter learned that I had given my angel rock away, but could see that I still have my moments. She came home one day and said give me your hand. I put my hand out and she gently placed a new pocket rock in the palm of my hand. It said “Strength”. My heart melted at that moment. She understood me and wanted me to have a focal for when I needed it.
Anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD are different for everyone and I wished that I didn’t have to have any of these things, but just like most people, you adapt to your new normal. Educating yourself and understanding it does help in how they are managed and to see that you can have a better quality of life. My children and my husband help me feel like it’s alright and they have never judged me for it and that means the world to me. It amazes me, that something so small became something so big in my life….and I am forever grateful to have been gifted these little rocks.
